Understanding Weakness

After I have written my pent up emotions, my rants too along with my resignation, I had nothing more to do.  I wanted to sleep, but I just can't.  I feel more tired and sad but nothing close to sleepy.

I launch my Skype and was trying to check on the offline messages that have been left for me, unfortunately, I find none.  It seems the people who might have sent them are offline.  I stayed invisible.   I was trying to customize my Skype window, when I accidentally clicked into Skypecast.

The first skypecast I found was about people who share their stories about God during their hardships.  I dialled into this cast to listen.  I knew I wanted to talk.. but to whom?  So, I guess I'd just listen.  I sat there in that room and listened in.  The host waited for people to share their stories about God and their challenges.  I wanted to share in my own story. 

I asked the host for a chance to speak.  Of course, I wanted to share with them the hard times I had last year with different relationships.  And so, I did.  It made me feel better, but it just doesn't seem to lighten up my mood.  What changed my mood was when somebody from the room talked to me and shared to me a picture of a crucifix.  It is really lovely, though I cannot share it with you here.  I just felt a little better having seen it.  It came from Yorkshire in England, as the contact was from England himself.

While I was going through the GodHope website, and still listening to the room, I managed to hear our host talk about the Gospel, and I remembered, I haven't read yesterday's Gospel yet.  So, I brought out my didache and took a peek onto yesterday's reading.  It was entitled as my post's title.

Why? Am I demanding too much?  I do not reprimand people just because my own set of standards are way higher than theirs (or so I perceive it).  If they seem to fall short of my own, I encourage them.. set them an example for them to follow.  I rarely get angry, so I must rarely be seen shouting at the top of my lungs.  I rant most of the time, because it is by ranting that I also encounter other ideas that might not have crossed my mind at the time I needed to think about it.  I am weak by all means.  That is just about the only reason why I am still awake.

I am so sad, scared, weak and in pain from this decision that I am going to make.  I try to find more demands that I could even try picture receiving, just so I could motivate myself to stay and revoke this silly idea of resigning… But still, no.

I acknowledge this weakness.  By being weak, I could be strong for others.  This must not be a cowardice.. only a passing weakness.. but nothing that must be undermined.  From this acknowledgment, and understanding I must grow strong for the future.

Thanks for the crucifix.  Thanks for the group discussion.

Maricris Nonato

I turn tech ideas into websites using Ruby. I'm a budding Buddhist practitioner, passionate about health & fitness, and a cat fanatic!