How is it when I thought I could already be happy by just keeping happy thoughts, I would have to face this kind of feeling again??
I am dizzy. Its kinda embarrassing to be walking like that, as though I am intoxicated. I just can't help it. My head is painfully throbbing and I feel terribly sleepy. I had to go home even when I had to finish working on something at the office. The loud music and the buzz of skype's chat window from a concerned friend just can't keep me focused anymore. That was all that was there. A distant buzz from a distant friend and the loud music of my current favorite song.. and nothing more… but what more am I really looking for? Can I not be lonelier than this?
As I left the building, I felt lonelier. I am once again out in the open.. alone and definitely not in good shape. I need to walk. Despite the fact that I was not feeling okay, I had to take this therapeutical habit of mine–walking. The walk from the office to our home was about 30-40minutes of walking. It was definitely a long walk for me at this state, but I had to take my mind off this physical toll. I need to walk.
"..I wish I could be, every little thing you wanted.."
Hmmm.. I want to cry and sob like a child whilst I was walking this not-so-bright road that I had to walk through. I bet nobody will hear me.. I bet nobody will see me.. Who cares?! Nobody even knows I am here right now. Nobody even knows me! I wish someone was here, right now.
What do I need? Warmth? Yeah, warmth. What is warmth? Where is it found? Would I swoon at the slightest sensation of it? I don't know. What do i need then? I still don't know.
Right now, no matter how sad I feel, I cannot cry. But all the pain is just tucked in there.. somewhere. I wish I'm not feeling this, I wish I'm not thinking about this.
"..Don't give me up.. don't give me up tonight.."
Don't let me be alone, please. I know I promised to be strong, I am trying. Only let this pain go away and I will be alright.
"..or soon nothing will be right at all.. salvation.. will you find out who you are too late to change?"
I'm almost home, the pain is almost gone. I am worried about something else. Clear my thoughts, its become too deep. For now, I must wear a perfectly normal, happy face. I am okay. I am not hurt. I am fine.. the long walk was great. Yeah, I should remember, the long walk was great.
"..I wish I could be, every little thing you wanted all the time.."