A collection of learnings, coding adventures and random thoughts about living life.

"The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things."

  • Henry Ward Beecher

I know it should be easy. It is easy to laugh at a very simple joke. It is also easy to smile at someone who smiles at you. But why can't I?

I met someone in a donut store just some few months back. From that time on, I have been smiling at him whenever I'd see him in the mall. He has this happy smile on his face that makes me question my own happiness. The first time I met him, I received a good news, one that really excited me that much. Just two days ago, fancy we met him in the donut store again. As it was like the first time we saw him, we had a very light and warm conversation. If you'd just know the truth, we aren't close friends, but we've been sharing personal stories. When I see him, I always have this feeling that he's an angel… coming to me when I need him.

He's around 30 years old, but nevertheless, looks just around my age. I wonder where he gets his strength? For two heartfelt conversations we've had, it seemed like he knows too much that my own stories seemed so trivial and immature. I'd prefer to listen to him while he cheekily delivers his own happy moments. I could describe him as a very joyous person, one that is never daunted by life's challenges.

Who is he really? Why is he happy when I can not be? I wonder if he's an angel. I would wish that he give me happiness instead of riches. I want to have many friends like him. If only I could be with him more often, and really get to love him wholly. I can only be happy we met twice already. I could only be content that I could still have the chance to meet him fancily in that fave old donut store.

Happiness.. such an elusive word. The holy week for me was just a fantastic escape from reality, whereas, for the others, it was a bitter retreat to reality. We went to the Bulacan to visit the Grotto. I can say I wasn't happy. I had to get some fresh air, silence and a lot of prayer.

I sat down to pray near the altar. I knew I had many wishes, many dreams, many blessings to ask, and also many things to thank for.. but I wasn't able to say anything.

Dear Lord,

… I … Thanks for everything. I love you… I don't know what to say.

… I guess, I could only ask for happiness. I am lonely and don't know where I can be happy right now. Please show me where I need to go.

The next days were happy. Thank God, I have happiness!

.. but, the next day was sad again.

Why? What does this angel want to say now? Did I really make the right decision.

As I am writing this now, I am in a cold room with my partner, staring at two different computers, listening to only one music forever. I cannot smile. The silence and the night time allows me to think more, love my work more, but I am no longer happy.

I cried today. I don't know who to chose. Do I think about myself or the people who are hanging on to me. Why do they hang on to me? Do they really think I am strong? I want to rant about my past, blame others, but I am only left to my own good decision in the end. For the first time, I cannot think right. For the first time, I cry for such a simple matter. I do not really understand, but there is something in me that wants to fight, yet another part of me wants to just stop and love myself right now.

I have not been feeling well for the past two weeks. Depression, anxiety, stress, physical tiredness.. and I have not been saying many good things anymore. I am afraid that I could become swallowed by these negative feelings and not be me anymore. I always knew I am a happy person, but I am bereft of these joys anymore. I want to choose what is easy for me, yet I do not want to make it hard for the others who were counting on me.

This is all beginning to sound like a rant. I just want to say, I will hang on until my patience breaks. Never mind my heart.. it will always be broken. It can never be whole anymore. If it wasn't for my partner who's the only one who knows me inside out, my heart cannot be spoken of as a heart anymore.

Everybody hurts sometimes. Yes, and its my time to feel the hurt. I am hurt, but I'm hanging on. I hope tomorrow happiness would just be an arm's reach away.

For the meantime, I will let my weak arms to do the hanging on, let my blurred eyesight strain to find the happiness that I seek..